If you know anything about trauma, you know that it can really affect a person's mental health. Our new babies had been through so much trauma and were in need of love. It's been a long journey for only having them nine months, but it's been worth every second. They've come such a long way and still have a ways to go. Because of the trauma that each of them experienced starting from birth, they each have their own developmental struggles on top of the struggles that just come with being a certain age.
Our oldest D, now 8 years old, has been struggling with remembering simple tasks, instructions, small job lists, school work lessons, and random other things. Husband and I are patient, nurturing, stern, understanding, and have honestly gotten to the point of being annoyed at times. We have read and watched so many resources by Dr. Karyn Purvis - an internationally renowned childhood development expert and have learned that people who suffer from PTSD tend to have deterioration in parts of their brain that causes memory loss. Then we also realize we have an 8 year old who really doesn't want to get in trouble. :)
The boys were recently given a cool little trike and the front tire was flat. Husband repeatedly told them yesterday to not ride it until he gets a kit to repair the tube. Y'all - When I say repeatedly... I mean, like 10 or 15 times said:
-Please get off the bike. It is not working right now Don't ride it.
-I said please don't get on the bike until I've fixed the tire.
-It doesn't matter whose turn it is to get on the bike. Neither one of you should be on the bike because I've already told you several times to leave it in the garage and to get off of it!
Plus 12 more times. I'm not joking.
So later on, while my mom is babysitting while Husband and I go out to dinner - I get a text.
It's a video.
Of the kid.
Riding the bike.
I immediately FaceTime my mom, ask to speak with D, and then the loaded question:
Didn't your dad tell you not to ride that bike several times?
Then it's the even more loaded answer:
I didn't remember.
This has become a common occurrence and honestly it's become a little too frequent. I realize that the above example is a normal, age appropriate situation for an 8 year old boy, but it's constant. It seems as if its every time he's reprimanded about an unfinished task or a broken rule. Before the bike incident, I asked him to help me unpack groceries. I gave him a back of frozen fruit to put in the deep freeze in the garage and told him to COME RIGHT BACK. He went to the garage, put the fruit up, and snuck through the laundry room to his room to play. When I called for him and asked him about helping me, his response? "I didn't know you asked." -_- No. Just, no.
As Christian parents, we are teaching our children accountability, honesty, responsibility, and kindness because that's what Holy God asks of us - not just because we want to be good people. We do want them to be good people, but we also want them to do all things for the greater glory of God.
Tonight I had a discussion with our therapist (because she's amazing and calls me whenever I need to go over a consequence idea with her) and we came to the realization that yes, we need to help train D's mind to remembering important things in life such as responsibilities, but we also have to hold him accountable for when said responsibilities are not completed. I know as an adult who now has mom-brain I have to write things down in order to remember them. If I don't write them down, well, I'm sorry I didn't get to your request. (I really am sorry.) This made me think that maybe D needs to write things down as well. So, tomorrow D will be presented with three things: a note pad, a pencil, and the opportunity to make his own consequence with our approval.
D will be expected to write down every. single. instruction. and every. single. task. over the next couple of weeks. In the event that he writes a task/responsibility/job/instruction/homework lesson down and doesn't do it, he will be given the consequence he came up with. I pray that this will accomplish a few things:
1. He will find a way that best suits him for remembering important tasks.
2. He will hold himself accountable for what he needs to get done around the house and to follow through with directions.
3. He will throw his crutch away of saying "I don't remember" and "I forgot" and "I didn't know that".
I also imagine that he will get tired of writing every single thing down and want to throw in the towel on the times he uses his forgetfulness as a crutch. Here's hoping! I shall let you know how it goes!
